


boys don't cry

by LowInHighSchool



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Gen, self harm tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-05-28 01:59:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15038198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowInHighSchool/pseuds/LowInHighSchool
Summary: the thoughts had been following him for a while, it's only now they're getting darker





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi :D i hope this is ok! i've never had a request on here before haha i'll add more tomorrow or later, i'll see :D

James pulls his hood up as the rain starts to pour. He shouldn’t really be out, not when they have a match in a few hours, but he needed to clear his head.

It’s wet and it’s getting late but even so he stops a minute on the bridge he’d just walked onto, looking out at the Russian scenery. It was nice here but he hadn’t been able to appreciate it properly.

Ever since they’d arrived in Russia he’d been followed around by a black cloud as it were, dark dark thoughts and a sense of impending doom. His first thought when he’d woken up on the plane had been to pull the airlock open and jump out. He’d been surprised, he didn’t want to die. He was going to the world cup for god’s sake! He was happy.

He’d been a little worried about his future, was he staying in Munich? Was he going back to Real? But he wasn’t that bothered, he knew everything would work out in one way or another.

He looks out for a minute, he can see the hotel from here and he knows if he turns around he’ll be able to see the stadium.

“You know what would be fun?” A voice in his head says “If you jumped”

“No” He says aloud and continues walking, faster this time until he’s jogging. 

He makes it back to the hotel in 15 minutes and goes straight to his room.

“You should’ve done it” His brain shouts at him “They don’t need you”

He glances at the clock. There was still another hour before they had to set off. An hour to get in the zone. It’s hard when his thoughts are so loud.

“Look, I’m not going to kill myself if that’s what you want” He whispers.

“Oh come on” The thoughts persist “Think how fun it would be”

“I don’t think fun’s the right word” He says going to sit on the bed.

“Or at least cut yourself again”

James swallows. That was the only way he’d found to shut the voices up.

“After the match” He whispers “I can’t do it now”

That seems to keep the thoughts at bay for a while, until after the match. When he gets back he’s so exhausted he jumps straight into bed but his thoughts are taunting him.

“You promised” They almost sing “Time to cut”

“No” He mumbles and rolls over, burying his head in the pillow, although he knows they won’t shut up until he does.

“Do it you coward, do it now”

He groans and gets out of bed, he’s exhausted, he just wants to sleep but he knows he’ll have to do this or else he won’t sleep.

He finds his razors and pulls his shorts down.

“Fine” He says as he makes one cut and then another. 

“Yes! That’s it” The thoughts scream.

He manages to cut up most of his left thigh, it hurts but somehow it feels good. Once he’s done enough he throws the blade out and looks for something to clean it with. He washes it in the bath eventually and throws some gauze on it.

Once this whole thing had started he’d bought some first aid stuff in so he could avoid running around like a headless chicken looking for something to use like he had that time in Munich.

Yes, the thoughts to harm himself had started a while ago but now they were getting darker. He knows he should really talk to someone about it but he thinks this whole situation is ridiculous and anyway, he doesn’t want to get locked up.

Once he’s done he gets into bed again and this time he can sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should mention i know nothing about the colombian nt but james is cool :p

The next morning he wakes up feeling refreshed, unusual for the day after a match. He spends a few minutes in bed replying to messages before deciding to get up. They were flying back to base camp today but that wasn’t for a few hours.

He’s about to get dressed when there’s a knock at the door.

“Hey” He says answering it to Radamel. 

“Hi, good game last night” Radamel walks into the room and flops on the bed “I didn’t sleep”

“I did”

“Lucky you”

“You can sleep on the plane”

“I hope so, and we have training” Radamel sighs dramatically and plays with the teddy James has, a good luck gift off his daughter “Cute”

“Yeah”

“Did you get your period?” 

“What?” James is confused, he knows it’s a joke, but still.

Radamel glances down at James’ shorts and James looks too.

“Oh” James says “Oh no”

“What happened? Get caught?”

“Yeah, I guess so”

It’s only now he remembers the previous evening and what he’d done. He thought he’d done a good job of cleaning it up.

“Hang on” He says dashing for the bathroom. There’s still blood on the floor. He cleans it as best he can before checking his legs.

“Are you ok?” 

“I’m fine, hang on”

He knows he better change the dressing as the one he’s got on now is absolutely soaked in blood.

“What happened?” Radamel asks walking into the bathroom which James apparently forgot to lock “Oh”

Radamel sits on the edge of the bathtub as James cleans himself up.

“So…”

“Yeah?” James blushes. He knew. 

“Why did you do it?”

“I didn’t do anything”

“So you just happened to accidently catch yourself?”

“Yeah”

“In neat little rows?”

“Yeah…I guess…I”

“Hey calm down, it’s fine. I’m not gonna tell anyone”

“Thanks” James says.

“So, why did you do it?”

“The thoughts got too much” He admits.

“What thoughts?”

Radamel leads him back through to the bedroom and they sit on the bed.

“My thoughts tell me to hurt myself” James explains.

“When did this start?”

“A few months ago”

“A few months. Did you tell anyone?”

James shakes his head.

“They’ll think I’m crazy” He says “Fuck. There’s blood on the bedding” He realises.

“It’s ok, they can clean it. And no one would think that I promise”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s better this way, maybe I deserve this”

“You don’t, I promise. That’s just the bad thoughts talking, you deserve to be happy”

“Mmm”

“Why don’t we go for breakfast?”

“Ok, just let me get changed”

James finds some clothes and quickly changes, double checking this time that there’s no blood coming through. It feels better now his friend knows although the thoughts aren’t happy at all.

“You idiot, he’ll make you stop” They say.

“I know I know, I’ll work it out” He hisses.

He straightens himself up and walks outside.

“Ready”

“Good. Let’s go”


	3. Chapter 3

Things are slightly better now Radamel knows, in some respects. James can go to him every time he wants to hurt himself although he hasn’t told him about the thoughts he should kill himself yet and he wasn’t planning on it, no, that would scare him. 

In fact between training and Radamel being a good friend James is barely alone which is good. The thoughts tend to leave him alone when he’s with people. But then when he is alone they’re worse than ever. Taunting him. Screaming at him he needs to cut now! Now! Now!

Except Radamel had taken his razors so he doesn’t have anything to cut himself with. He’s desperate though. It’s 2am and he can’t sleep. He can’t sleep because he needs to cut.

He goes to the bathroom and finds the glass he keeps his toothbrush in. He could say it accidently fell. Yes, he would do that. He smashes it, cutting his fingers in the process. Then he finds the sharpest looking piece and gets to work. His upper arms this time and god knows how he’ll hide it.

The glass must’ve been sharper than the razors, or he pressed harder, or the skin was softer on his upper arm because this one is a big cut. Down to the fat and then some. In fact his arm is going numb which is definitely not good.

There’s a moment in Hemingway’s novel ‘the sun also rises’ when Mike Campbell is asked how he went broke. All he can say is “Gradually, then suddenly”. And that’s how the bleeding starts, gradually, then suddenly and before James knows what happens he’s standing in a puddle of his own blood.

“Lovely” He groans. Number one priority is getting himself cleaned up. He bandages it tightly and then gets to work cleaning the floor.

When he checks his arm 10 minutes later blood’s still coming through. He sighs. He really ought to get it stitched but the boss wouldn’t be happy if he left the hotel at gone 2am, and they had training the next day.

He knows he has to do something though as it’s still coming. He swallows his pride and goes to find his friend.

He knocks at Radamel’s door, hoping he’s still awake but he doubts it. Even so he hears him walk towards the door.

“Hello?” He asks.

“It’s me”

“James? What’s wrong?”

“I…I messed up”


	4. Chapter 4

“James? What’s wrong?”

“I…I messed up”

The door opens quickly and Radamel ushers him inside.

“What happened?” He asks gently, even though he already knows.

James sighs and rolls his sleeve up.

“Oh shit” Radamel is shocked at the extent of the wound “This is bad”

“Yeah, it’s still bleeding”

“Ok” Radamel paces between the desk and bed “Ok we’ll sort this, wait there”

He leaves the room quickly leaving James wondering where on earth he was going. The blood was coming through although not as strong now. He kind of regretted telling his friend, the voices certainly weren’t happy, but he knows it was for the best.

Radamel comes up 5 minutes later.

“Here” He says, putting a first aid kit down on the bed “I borrowed it from reception”

“Thanks”

Radamel roots through the kit and finds what he thinks he’ll need. He takes the old bandage off and starts by cleaning it. Thankfully the bleeding is starting to slow a lot so he closes it with steri strips, then he covers it with gauze and a bandage.

“There” He says “Keep an eye on it”

“I will”

“Back in a minute”

Radamel takes the kit and leaves the room. James sighs and lies back on the bed. He was fed up of this, he wished there was a better way to shut the voices up, or that the voices would just stop by themselves. 

“So, what happened?” Radamel asks coming back into the room.

“Same as ever”

“Ah, you should’ve told me before you did it”

“I know. I was tired”

“It’s ok, but next time”

“Yeah, I know”

“Good. Want to sleep in here tonight just in case?”

“Thanks, that would be nice”

“Sure, you have the bed. I’ll go on the couch”

James is too tired to argue “Thanks”

Radamel finds him a blanket and pillow and gets him settled.

“Sleep well, wake me up if you need me” He says.

“I will”

“Thank you”

Even so Radamel makes sure James is asleep before drifting off himself.


	5. Chapter 5

They’d done it. Colombia had qualified for the next round and James knows he should be happy. He’s just not.

“You don’t deserve it” His thoughts tell him.

“I know” He sighs, thankfully no one can hear him in the busy changing room.

“You know what to do”

James nods to himself and gets up, he goes to the bathrooms looking for anything he can cut himself with. There’s nothing.

“You need to” The thoughts say.

“I can’t”

“Do it”

He frantically searches but there’s nothing. The thoughts are getting louder and he’s struggling to breathe. Eventually he sits down on the floor and puts his head in his hands, trying to catch his breath.

That’s how Radamel finds him 5 minutes later.

“James?” He asks, cautiously approaching him. James doesn’t even look up. “You need to take deep breaths ok?”

James nods and tries. He focuses on his friend and soon he feels marginally better, not completely though as he still needs to cut.

“What happened?” Radamel asks.

“The thoughts”

“I understand”

“I need to cut”

“No you don’t”

“I do!” James stands up and starts searching again. 

He leaves the room and goes down the corridor, all the time Radamel following. Eventually he finds a safety pin. That would do. Not caring who would see he opens it and starts cutting himself.

“James stop!” Radamel shouts.

“No I have to!” James says, tears streaming down his face.

“No you don’t, please, just…”

A few of their teammates had come to see what all the fuss was about. Radamel just assures them it’s fine and he has it under control.

Taking a risk, he reaches for James’ arm. Eventually he feels it go limp and James just sobs.

“It’s ok” Radamel says wrapping his arms around him “It’s ok I promise”

Once James has calmed down a bit Radamel gets an idea.

“Come on” He says, taking him by the hand and leading him down the corridor. James doesn’t even argue.

“Where are we going?” He asks

“To the team doctor, he might be able to help”

James just nods and lets him take him there. The doctor is just packing up his things but Radamel still knocks and asks if he could possibly speak to James. He agrees so they go in and sit down.


	6. Chapter 6

They stay talking to the doctor for a good half an hour, until James has properly calmed down and both Radamel and the doctor can be sure he won’t hurt himself again.

James knows his teammates will be waiting to get back to the hotel and he feels bad, he was tired, they all would be.

His teammates give him sympathetic glances as he walks into the changing room and he feels awkward. Radamel squeezes his shoulder reassuringly as they collect their things.

Everyone’s quiet on the coach and it’s no wonder. Even after the excitement everyone was exhausted.

“How do you feel now?” Radamel asks softly.

“I don’t know” James answers truthfully.

“I understand. It’s been a rough few days, but the doctor will help”

“Will he?”

“Yes, if you let him”

Part of the deal was James was to go to either Radamel or the doctor if the thoughts got bad. The doctor was also going to set him up some counselling with whatever team he was with next season. James had just agreed, not wanting to make a fuss.

“We’ll be back in an hour, why don’t you sleep?” Radamel asks

“Yeah”

James shuts his eyes and he tries to get comfortable. Not an easy task sitting on a coach but finally, with his head on his friend’s shoulder, he’s asleep.

His sleep is not dreamless. In it, he’s on a cliff and he wants-needs-to jump. He takes a breath and throws himself over the edge.

That’s when he wakes up in a panic. It seems Radamel is too preoccupied by his music to notice and James doesn’t want to worry him so he just stares out of the window into the pitch black until they’re back.

Radamel makes him sleep in his room again and James doesn’t mind. In fact he quite likes the company, just like sleepovers he had when he was younger. 

They’re both tired so after getting changed they’re in bed. James is scared to sleep, in case of another nightmare but he’s so exhausted he falls asleep without meaning to. Thankfully this time he doesn’t have any dreams, good or bad.

He wakes up to Radamel pottering around the room, packing up his things. 

“You’re awake” Radamel says

“What time is it?”

“11”

“Wow it’s late”

“You were tired, we all were, I only got up an hour ago”

“They’ve stopped serving breakfast”

“It’s ok, I can make coffee here and I stole you a croissant”

“Thanks”

First though he goes back to his own room to get changed. He is feeling a bit better this morning. That was a pattern he was noticing, the later it got, the worse the thoughts were.

The doctor pops in to check on him just before they leave and after a mini interrogation he leaves. 

The excitement seemed to have returned to the team on the plane, everyone’s talking, singing, dancing even. James just smiles and takes pictures.

He’s still tired when they get back to base camp so excuses himself for a nap before training.

This time the dream returns. This time it’s more vivid, he can hear the waves and feel the wind. He snaps awake and realises he’s not in bed. He’s in the bathroom and somehow he’d managed to take all the pills he had out of the cupboard.

“Take them” The thoughts taunt him “Go on”

“It’s not enough”

“So? It’s worth a shot”

In his sleepy state he takes them all. It’s not until after he jumps back to reality and it sinks in what he’s done.

He panics. He tries to make himself throw them up but it doesn’t work. Shaking, he rushes down the corridor to find his friend, not even caring he’s only in his boxers.

He pounds on the door frantically, trembling, what if it was enough? What if he died? The voices are laughing at him and he wishes they would shut up.

Radamel’s not answering and James doesn’t know what to do. He sinks down against the wall and cries.

“James?”

He can hear Radamel coming down the corridor.

“I was wondering where you were, everyone’s waiting” His friend continues “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“They made me do it! I didn’t want to! I’m gonna die”

“What have you done?”


	7. Chapter 7

“What have you done?”

“Pills”

“How many?”

“20, 25, I don’t know”

“We need to get to hospital now” Radamel tries to keep it together but inside he’s panicking.

“No”

“We need to go, now”

Radamel goes into his friend’s room and finds his clothes. He helps him put them on and they go downstairs. The hotel had a partnership with a taxi company so there were always some close by, Radamel knows that’ll be quicker than waiting for an ambulance.

James is starting to feel a little weird now. He knows it’s because of the tablets. He hated taking them normally so rarely did, so him suddenly taking a whole load would be a shock to his system. When they get to hospital he throws up outside the emergency department. 

He’s seen straight away even though it’s quite busy tonight. They give him activated charcoal which makes him throw up even more and an antidote so the pills don’t do any permanent damage. 

By this point he’s a bit calmer. He knows he’s out of danger now, he is a little worried. He’d done it without really thinking.

A doctor appears to tell them he was being kept in for the mandatory 48 hours and he doesn’t even protest.

Thankfully he’s taken to a private room with a tv.

“What about training?” James asks.

“I don’t know” Radamel sighs.

“Did you tell anyone where we were going?”

“No, I better text someone”

“You can’t tell them!”

“I won’t, I’ll just say you’re in hospital and it’s a personal matter, the boss might ask though”

“I know. Please stay”

“Of course” Radamel assures him.

“This is burning a bit” James says, pointing to the iv bag.

“It will do, it’s important though”

“I know”

Radamel gets his phone out and sends a message to the group chat explaining James was in hospital. When he looks around it appears James is asleep. He sighs. He hasn’t realised things were so bad.

A nurse comes in to check how he’s doing, everything’s looking good so that’s promising. There’s a bed for relatives in the room so she says Radamel’s welcome to stay over. He’s a bit hesitant to go to bed but eventually he does realising James would need him tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this has taken so long!!! 
> 
> enjoy :D

When Radamel wakes up he’s alone in the room. James’ stuff is still there though so he hasn’t left. He just lies back and tries to comprehend what’s happened over the past few days. Soon he hears voices and James comes in, thankfully looking a bit brighter today.

“Where did you go?” Radamel asks.

“Liver scan, there was something up with the blood test”

“Oh, it’ll be ok though”

“Yeah”

James gets back into bed and sighs.

“Alright?” Radamel asks.

“I’m sorry”

“I know you are”

“Really, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen”

“It’s not your fault”

“Thanks. Has anyone texted?”

Radamel checks his phone and yes he has messages, loads of them. He replies to them all saying they’d be back soon. He hopes they will be anyway. 

“Have you had breakfast?” He asks.

“Yeah, the nurse brought it before. You were asleep”

“I might go and find a café”

“Sure, can you get me some coke?”

“Sure, be right back”

Radamel gets up and leaves the room. He asks at reception and finds there’s a café downstairs. He gets coke for James and then decides what he wants. He settles for coffee and toast and heads back up to the room.

“Here” He says.

“Thanks” James takes the coke off him “I was getting bored of water”

“No wonder. How do you feel?”

“Better”

“And the voices?”

“They’re gone”

“Really?”

“Yes” It wasn’t entirely true. There was still one at the back of his head yelling at him for telling Radamel about what he’d done.

“Well that’s…that’s good”

“Yeah”

“How are you doing?” A doctor asks, coming into the room.

“I’m ok” James smiles.

“We have the results of the liver scan, it doesn’t indicate any damage so we’ll repeat bloods in a couple of hours and see if it’s levelled out”

“That’s good news then right?”

“It is. A psychiatrist will be along shortly to talk to you”

“Thanks”

The doctor quickly writes something in his notes and then leaves.

“Good news about the liver scan” Radamel says, sensing the tension in the air.

“Yeah”

“What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing”

“Come on, talk to me”

“I don’t wanna talk to a psych”

“I know, but they could help you”

“I suppose”

“They will, if you let them”

“Ok, I will”

There’s not much to do in the hospital so Radamel goes to a gift shop and buys puzzle books for them both. He also downloads a game James likes onto his phone. That does a god job of keeping them occupied.

“Hi, James?” The doctor sticks his head in “The psychiatrist is here to see you now”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating this for ages :o i'll try and update a bit more regularly!
> 
> also i hate doing this but if anyone has a few £'s spare would you mind helping me out? basically i got kicked out and i'm short on money, wonderful people helped me get a train ticket and meds but i still need to pay for stuff like my phone, food, and my cat (who i have with me omg!!!!), and more meds just in case because they might be changing soon ://///
> 
> paypal is paypal.me/xhakaboom or my email is tleehart.24601@hotmail.com
> 
> ko-fi is ko-fi.com/tamar34
> 
> thank you so much in advance and i hope you enjoy!! and if anyone has any requests hmu :D

Radamel paces up and down the corridor as the psychiatrist is talking to James. He was worried although he’s not sure why. James didn’t like doctors, that much is true but he just hopes this one can help.

Eventually the suspense gets too much so he goes and buys tea and checks his phone, updating their worried teammates. 

By the time he gets back up to James’ room the psych is gone. 

“How was it?” Radamel asks, sitting down, only just realising maybe he should’ve bought his friend some tea as well.

“He was nice”

“What did he say?”

“He thinks I’m depressed”

“Oh, what do you think?”

“Yeah, I might be” James shrugs.

“What has he suggested to help?”

“He started me on these tablets, and I gotta speak to a therapist”

“What about when you get back to Munich?”

“They’ll refer me to someone there”

“Good, let’s hope it helps”

“I can go later, hopefully”

“That’s good. It’s boring here” Radamel laughs as he flicks through one of the puzzle books.

 

James can leave later. He has an evaluation by the psychiatrist who says he’s no longer a danger to himself. He’d also had another blood test which came back as normal, so when they’ve picked up the prescription they’re on their way. On the ride back James seems quiet.

“What’s bothering you?” Radamel asks.

“I’m just worried, seeing the team again”

“I know, it’ll be fine though. They were all worried”

James nods and goes back to staring out of the window. When they’re back at the hotel they get out and James just stares up at the building.

“Come on” Radamel gently encourages him, taking him by the hand “It’ll be fine”

They start walking and once they’re inside James does feel a bit better, even though they hadn’t been here long the hotel is familiar. He’s glad they don’t bump into any teammates on the way up though.

“It’ll be time for dinner soon” Radamel says.

“Good, hospital food is terrible”

“It is! Even the tea is gross”

James is still a little hesitant to go down though.

“Come on, I know you’re hungry” Radamel says.

“What if someone says something?”

“If they do I’ll punch them”

James smiles weakly.

“Thanks”

Radamel takes James’ hand again and they make their way downstairs.


End file.
